Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
foreskin is a definite game changer
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
