have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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