I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize