the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
