And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
