We got so high we made milksteak
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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