You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize