My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
My bed smells like the plague
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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