Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
