YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
