everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
