Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
