Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm getting married
To pizza
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
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