Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
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