Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
