you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm determined to sit on that face.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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