This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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