it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
