my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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