You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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