if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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