that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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