So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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