from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
