so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
