I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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