Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
