if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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