She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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