who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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