My nipple is on Facebook.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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