I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
