stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
My dick has a subreddit
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
