After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize