Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
