you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
