i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
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