He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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