Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
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