she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Sorry my hands just texted you
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
