Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
