The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
