Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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