So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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