We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
