Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
