Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
