I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
