Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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