im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
