I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
that may or may not have been my penis.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
