im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
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