It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
