I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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