i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
