how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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